Kainoa Crowell
Victory
As I step on the field preparing for war
I think about the game I am about to play
I think of it as a pleasure, not as a chore
We prepare for these games everyday
I worked hard for this moment, can’t let it go
The whistle blows and the battle is on
Most of the game, the scoring was low
Needed a touchdown soon, we threw it to Sean
He caught the ball and ran it to the end zone
This touchdown would be the winning one
Our team celebrated in a triumphant tone
The bus ride back, we shared jokes and had some fun
The feeling of victory is oh so sweet
The greatest thrill that can never be beat
The only thing that makes up for working out vigorously for 12 months, non-stop is the reward of winning a game. The challenge in every game ever created is to win. Especially in football, victory is so special because you work so hard to prepare for the games and you give it your all during the game. If you lose, you feel like you did all of that labor for nothing, you feel deflated. But if you win, you are ecstatic, you know that all the strenuous work you have done was well worth it. This poem, in particular, is about one of my football games from last years football season. We were playing a tough St. Louis team and the game was exciting to the very end.
My beginning lines of my sonnet talk about how, whenever I step onto the football field, I mentally prepare for a game it like it is a war. I think of my team as my army fighting against the opposition, the army we fight for is the Punahou army. I think to myself what is my assignment and what I need to get done in this game. And like a weathered veteran who has been in many battles before I think of this game, this battle, as a pleasure, not as a job that I was forced to do. Also, like in any army, I worked hard for this battle and this game and I am in it to win. I worked tedious hours every day, training to lead my team to victory, I cannot let all I have learned slip away from me. I need to use those skills and put them to work to win this thing.
The second part of this sonnet talks about the actual game. The defense held the offense to no points for both teams for the duration of the game. By about half time my teammates and I knew this was going to be a tough game. We went out the second half fired up and ready to demolish. However we were shutdown the whole third quarter and the score remained zero to zero. The fourth quarter started slow then about half way through it, the Crusaders kicked a field goal that put them up 3-0. We never lost hope and continued on in our fighting, trying to beat these guys. The final quarter was coming to an end and we need to score or we would lose the game. Our coach decided that we should give the ball to one of our playmakers and star wide receiver Sean McFadden. Sean was famous for his amazing catches that came at clutch situations such as the one at hand. He was getting shutdown all day but he was due for a big catch. We threw the ball up to him near the end zone and he caught it. He ran it to the end zone for the touchdown. The final touchdown of the game that eventually gave us the win. The greatest wins of all are the ones you had to work hard for and this game was very much so one of those games.
The final part of my sonnet talks about the sweet feeling of victory. Winning in any game at any level is always a good feeling. However you cannot just expect to slack off and not practice then expect to win a game. In football my team had to work very hard daily for nearly 5 months. All this work, is helping us to prepare to win. Hard work also contributes to the excellent feeling of victory because you feel like the work you put in really contributed to winning the game and your performance. However a team cannot win only. Good teams learn a lot not from winning lots of games, but actually by losing. By losing, they know what they have done wrong and they can adjust it. So no matter how much losing sucks and how phenomenal winning is, losing a game is so crucial because you can learn from you did wrong and become a better team. Although losing can teach you a lot, the bottom line is you always strive to win and when you capture it, it is the sweetest accomplishment of them all.
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From "Janice":
Sonnet Analysis
Kainoa Crowell Victory
As I step on the field preparing for war
I think about the game I am about to play
I think of it as a pleasure, not as a chore
We prepare for these games everyday
I worked hard for this moment, can’t let it go
The whistle blows and the battle is on
Most of the game, the scoring was low
Needed a touchdown soon, we threw it to Sean
He caught the ball and ran it to the end zone
This touchdown would be the winning one
Our team celebrated in a triumphant tone
The bus ride back, we shared jokes and had some fun
The feeling of victory is oh so sweet
The greatest thrill that can never be beat
The only thing that makes up for working out vigorously for 12 months, non-stop, is the reward of winning a game (Which game? Any game? Or the final game?). The challenge in every game ever created is to win (The challenge? I think you mean the option or the goal? How are you going to win? Oh, wait, never mind. You mean any game b/c now you are going to talk about football. You should say: “The option of every game is to win.” You don’t need to say “ever created” because that’s redundant.). Especially in football, victory is so special because you have worked so hard to prepare for the games and you give it your all all you’ve got during the game. (Although in many other games, you also work hard and give it all you’ve got. Maybe you should elaborate on the work you’ve done to prepare for football games. Ex: describe a bit about the practices and weight training.) If you lose, you feel like you did all of that labor for nothing, You feel deflated. (Haha! That sounds like a balloon, but it’s correctly used.) But if you win, you are ecstatic! you know that all of the strenuous work you have done did was well worth it. This poem, in particular,sonnet is about one of my football games from last years football season. We were playing a tough St. Louis team and the game was exciting to the very end at victory.
My beginning lines of my sonnet talk about how, whenever I step onto the football field, I mentally prepare for a game it like it is a war When “I step on the field preparing for war, I think about the game I am about to play, I think of it as a pleasure, not as a chore, We prepare for these games everyday,” to mentally prepare myself. I think of my team as my army, as Punahou’s army, fighting against the opposition, the army we fight for is the Punahou army. I think to myself what is my assignment is and what I need to get done in this game. And like a weathered veteran who has been in many battles before I think of this game, this battle, as “a pleasure”, not as a job that I was forced to do (Although, why would a weathered veteran be in a war again? Never mind, it’s okay. I guess he could be a veteran in a previous war and then is in another one.) . Also, like in any army, I worked hard for this battle and this game and I am in it to win.
As any army would have, I too have worked hard for this game, this battle, and I am in it to win. (In your orignal sentence you sound like you’ve been in a war. Have you?) I have worked tedious hours every day, training to lead my team to victory. I cannot let all I have learned slip away from me. I need to use those skills and put them to work to win this thing game because “I worked hard for this moment and can’t let it go.”.
The second part of this sonnet talks about the actual game. “The whistle blows and the battle is on. Most of the game the scoring was low,” because The defense held the offense to no points for both teams for the duration of the game. By about half time my teammates and I knew this was going to be a tough game. We went out the second half fired up and ready to demolish. However we were shutdown the whole third quarter and the score remained zero to zero. The fourth quarter started slow then about half way through it, the Crusaders (I’m sorry. Who are the Crusaders? Is this Punahou or St. Louis?) kicked a field goal that put them up 3-0. We never lost hope and continued on in our fighting, trying to beat these guys. The final quarter was coming to an end and we need to score “needed a touchdown soon,” or we would lose the game. Our coach decided that we should give the ball to one of our playmakers and star wide receiver, Sean McFadden. Sean was famous for his amazing catches that came at clutch situations such as the one at hand. He was getting shutdown all day but he was due for a big catch. We threw the ball up to him near the end zone and “He caught the ball and ran it to the end zone.” he caught it. He ran it to the end zone for the touchdown. The final touchdown of the game that eventually gave us the win, which was one of the best because . The greatest wins of all are the ones you had to work hard for it and this game was very much so one of those games.
The final part of my sonnet talks about the sweet feeling of victory.
To me “The feeling of victory is oh so sweet, the greatest thrill that can never be beat.”. However you cannot just expect to slack off and not practice then expect to win a game. (That didn’t make sense because it wasn’t contradicting anything, so it’s not needed. Here you can explain why the feeling is so sweet. You can use other metaphors like it’s better than… It’s like victory in war.) In football, my team had to work very hard daily for nearly 5 months to prepare us to win. . All this work, is helping us to prepare to win. Hard work also contributes to the excellent feeling of victory because you feel like the work you put in really contributed to winning the game and your performance. (The hard work contributes to victory because it contributes to victory, is what the sentence really says. You should say: Hard work elevated the joy of victory because you know that your work pulled off.) However a team cannot win only. Good teams learn a lot not from winning lots of games, but actually by losing. By losing, they know what they have done wrong and they can adjust it. So no matter how much losing sucks and how phenomenal winning is, losing a game is so crucial because you can learn from what you did wrong and become a better team. Although losing can teach you a lot, the bottom line is you always strive to win and when you capture it, it is the sweetest accomplishment of them all.
Here’s what your analysis needed:
1. Reference to your sonnet. You never incorporated the lines of your sonnet. You just said this part meant that. I guess that’s okay, but what if someone did not have your sonnet in hand or has never read it, then how are they going to comprehend with your analysis.
2. In the beginning you compared football to war. In the end, that metaphor was gone. Somewhere in the end you need to repeat it.
3. Some structural problems that risks interpretation, but I fixed some of them.
4. Maybe repeat your intentions for the sonnet in the beginning of the analysis
I liked the message you told at the end about really you strive for winning. You wont’ always win. Work for it and you’ll feel that amazing feeling. I liked that you gave some background information of where you got the idea for the sonnet. I like your sonnet because it is not a typical topic. Great job!
18 message
17 clarity
18 grammar
17 fluency
20 voice
Total: 90
Sonnet Analysis
Kainoa Crowell
Victory
As I step on the field preparing for war
I think about the game I am about to play
I think of it as a pleasure, not as a chore
We prepare for these games everyday
I worked hard for this moment, can’t let it go
The whistle blows and the battle is on
Most of the game, the scoring was low
Needed a touchdown soon, we threw it to Sean
He caught the ball and ran it to the end zone description?
This touchdown would be the winning one
Our team celebrated in a triumphant tone
The bus ride back, we shared jokes and had some fun description?
The feeling of victory is oh so sweet
The greatest thrill that can never be beat
The only pay off for training vigorously for 12 months, non-stop is the reward of winning a game. The goal in every game created is to win. Especially in football, victory is so special because you work so hard to prepare for the games and you give it your all during the game. If you lose, you feel like you did all of that labor for nothing. You feel deflated, but if you win you are ecstatic, and you know that all the strenuous work you have done was well worth it. This poem, in particular, is about one of my football games from last year’s football season. We were playing a tough St. Louis team and the game was exciting to the very end. (weird ending)
The beginning lines of my sonnet talk about how whenever I step onto the football field, I mentally prepare for a game. It is like a war. I think of my team as my army fighting against the opposition, the cause we fight for is Punahou. Before I step on the field I question myself what is my assignment and what do I need to get done in this game. Then like a weathered veteran who has been in many battles before I think of this game, this battle, as a pleasure, not as a job that I was forced to do. Also, like in any army, I worked hard for this battle and this game and I am in it to win. I worked tedious hours every day, training to lead my team to victory, I cannot let all I have learned slip away from me. I need to use those skills and put them to work to win this thing.
The second part of this sonnet talks about the actual game. The defense held the offense to no points for both teams for the duration of the game. By about half time my teammates and I knew this was going to be a tough game. We went out the second half fired up and ready to demolish. However we were shutdown the whole third quarter and the score remained zero to zero. The fourth quarter started slow then about half way through it, the Crusaders kicked a field goal that put them up 3-0. We never lost hope and continued on in our fighting, trying to beat these guys. The final quarter was coming to an end and we need to score or we would lose the game. Our coach decided that we should give the ball to one of our playmakers and star wide receiver Sean McFadden. Sean was famous for his amazing catches that came at clutch situations such as the one at hand. He was getting shutdown all day but he was due for a big catch. We threw the ball up to him near the end zone and he caught it. He ran it to the end zone for the touchdown. His touchdown, which was the last one of the game, gave us the win. The greatest wins of all are the ones you have to work for. This game was very much so one of those games.
The final part of my sonnet talks about the sweet feeling of victory. Winning in any game at any level is always a good feeling. However you cannot slack off or avoid practice then expect to win a game. In football my team had to work very hard daily for nearly 5 months. All this work helped us to prepare for our win. Hard work also contributes to the excellent feeling of victory because you realize that all the work you put in really contributed to winning the game and your performance. However a team cannot win only. Good teams learn a lot not from winning lots of games, but actually by losing. By losing, they know what they have done wrong and they can adjust it. So no matter how discouraging losing is or how phenomenal winning is, losing a game is crucial for learning what you did wrong and becoming a better team or player. Although losing can teach you a lot, the bottom line is you always strive to win and when you capture it, it is the sweetest accomplishment of them all.
Kainoa,
Your subject was perfect for you, I could tell that football really means a lot to you. In your sonnet on lines 9 and 12 I found the words to not be quite descriptive enough, there wasn’t enough emotion. But over all you sonnet was great. In your analysis paper the ideas were good but I felt like you didn’t express them well so I changed some words and reordered some sentences for more flow. In your analysis you broke down your sonnet well but the only thing I would add is if your sonnet could expand and be a metaphor for other things in life. In the beginning of your paper you seemed to be focusing on training and how hard work and sacrifices gets you rewards, but then you ended your paper with how losing teaches you how to win. These ideas are slightly different could you smooth it out with a connection or something?
Awesome Job! Leilani Doktor
Score: 90
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